Curveball Alert

I have always liked the curveball analogy, but this curveball in life was way out of left field.  (That should be all of my baseball references.  Well, probably not.)

Mammogram/Ultrasound/Biopsy/Diagnosis

Friday, February 25th (-13) Mammogram/Ultrasound Day

Annual mammogram appointment at the imaging center in Festus.  

I'm off on Fridays, so they are good days to schedule these things.  I had a minor scare after last years mamogram.  It required a biopsy of two sites on the right breast.  Tests were sent to the Mayo clinic for further observation.  It was a little nerve wracking without any information, but it was okay in the end.  Had another 3D mamogram in September to make d'ouble sure everything was still in check.   All was good and clear.

So, I went into this visit very relaxed.  Afterall, it was just a formality for the regular boob squish and I thought everything was going great.  Finished the mammogram and still thought all was well.  After last year, it was determined I would always need a 3D mammogram followed by in ultrasound (if needed.)  I even joked to the nurse about how we might not even need the extra test.  She already knew I did, and cautiously told me it would be required.

I layed on the table still thinking everything was fine.  I felt a minor concern when they said they would be looking at the right side again.  I was fairly relaxed while my breast was hanging out and the technician was giving me a good scan.  I did realize she was very focused on one section, so I wasn't surprised when she went to get the doctor to look a little closer.  She was showing no alarm, (as any good technician would.)  The doctor came in and started getting her own look at the two areas.  She really seemed focused on the same area, so I knew at that point they were going to want to do another biopsy.  No big deal, I went through it last year and it wasn't so bad.  

She finished and sat me up to have a little talk.  She asked if I had noticed a lump and I confessed how I was not good at checking.  I didn't try to feel it at that point, so I still thought it was nothing.  I mean no family history of breast cancer was a really good sign.  She sat at the computer and asked me a few questions.  It was determined my risk was 12% and I felt even better.  She was talking very cautiously, and it was at about this time alarms started going off in my head.  She told me we were going to need to biopsy two spots (different from last time.) She probably would have left the smaller spot go, but since she knew we needed a biopsy of the one spot, we would go ahead and look at the other, as well. She never said outloud that it could be cancer, but I knew it was implied the tests would make that determination.  My inner voice took over and reminded me that I am always okay and there is no need to get worked up about anything.  I headed out to the changing area to get back into my regular clothes.

While I was in the changing room, my whole world became unhinged!  I just barely touched the top of my breast.  Didn't even have to move my hand to feel the lump.  HOW?  HOW? HOW?  How did I miss this???  In every fiber of my being, I knew this was huge and going to be trouble.  I headed out of the room and they walked my to another room to book the  biopsy appointment for next Wednesday, March 2nd.  I still had the feeling they were handling me with kid gloves, but I just thought it was different nurses and staff than were there last time.  I walked out of the imaging center in a guarded state of shock.  That guarded state stayed with me until I got the final results.

I got in my car and convinced myself it was going to be okay, but I needed to tell a few people I had to go back for a biopsy.  So I made those calls/texts and went about my day.  Had a great weekend and the work week started off just fine.  I went ahead and took the biopsy day off, even though I told myself I could probably work the second half of the day.  I kinda have this habit of collecting sick days (I really don't get sick very often.)  At this point I have so many saved up there is no concern of running out.  We have joked about the fact that I would never use them all because I am well passed needing a maternity leave or anything of the such.  I am so glad I decided to take the day off!  

March 2nd (-8) Biopsy Day

This biopsy was a little more invasive. I could go into details, but I won't.  Just know there was a larger needle and a vaccuum involved.  The big lump was very deep and I could tell the doctor was working very hard to penatrate the area.  Robert brought me to the appointment.  I didn't need a driver, but both of us have been trying to understand where this huge lump came from and how fast it must have grown.  If you felt it, you would be confused, as well.  

After the procedure, they sent me to the changing area and told me we would have results within two to four days.  I brought up how long it took last year and she promised someone would call, even if it was just to tell me it was going to be a little longer.  The rest of the day was miserable.  They numbness was wearing off and they had wrapped me in this thing that looked like a tube top.  I had to wear it for 24 hours.  All I could do the rest of the day was watch TV and nap.

Thursday (-7) Nothing to report - It was an uncomfortable day just because of the wrap and no morning shower was allowed.

Friday (-6) A general report was added to my medical file and the app sent me an alert.  I looked it over, but it really didn't say much except that site one seemed fine and there was no diagnosis for the second site.  It was being sent for further diagnostics.  But, no phone call. (I did pull up last years report to compare the two.  I could tell that the bigger site was noted a little differently, but site 1 was pretty much the same.)

Saturday (-5), Sunday (-4), Monday (-3) Nothing to report.

Tuesday (-2) I messaged my primary doctor and she said to wait a bit longer since it was sent for more tests.

Wednesday (-1) Nothing to report, but everyone was asking if I had heard anything, yet.  (Mind you, not many people knew, but the ones wo did, were concerned that nothing was reported.)  I was going on "no news, is good news."  I'm a fairly positive person overall.  I don't see a need to worry until a doctor tells me to worry.

Thursday, March 10th Day 1 (Diagnosis Day)

I don't know if this is even worth mentioning, but it made me stop and evaluate for a moment.  As soon as I got out of my car at work, I heard a crow caw really loudly.  I looked up and he was sitting in the tree right above my parking spot.  I made note of it when it happened, but I didn't really comprehend it for a few days.

The rest of the day was running smoothly.  I was getting a lot done because once I left that evening, I would not be back in the office until the 21st. (Working for a university has it perks and spring break is one of them!)  It was getting close to 4:30, so I was packing a few things up because I was going to run my son home and when I came back to work, it would be in a different building. (This was the first week of classes for this session and our classes are all in the evening.  I just needed to help a teacher with some technology and make sure students were able to find their classes and such.)  My phone rang at 4:27 and I didn't recognize the number, so I continued to pack up.  My heart sank when I realized she left a message.  At 4:29, I returned her call.  

This was all my brain could grasp of the phone call.

She introduced herself as my nurse navigator and told me the tumor was cancer and she told me that it was neuroendocrine and it was primary to the breast and rare.  She did say that since the breast is primary, it was a good thing.  I had her repeat most of that and honestly I didn't comprehend most of the rest of the call.  My head was spinning.  I did gather that I needed to pick a breast surgeon and she was going to send me some options to look over.  Seth heard the entire call.  Once we got in the car, I asked him if he knew what just happened and he said, "Yes."  We left it at that and drove the 1.8 miles home in silence.  He didn't know what to say and my head was still going crazy.

Several phone calls and texts later, I finally went to bed completly exhausted.

(This is a nightmare, right?)

Friday, March 11th - Day 2

I got up and got ready for the day.  I took Seth to work at 8:00am.  I texted a friend/coworker asking if she was in the office and she said she was.  I gathered a few people in her office and told them all at once.  Many discussions and a few recommendations later, I finally headed back home.  I avoided calling my nurse navigator for most of the morning.  I did call my sister, she was one that I texted the night before because I just couldn't bring myself to tell it to one more person.  

I didn't really do anything until it was time to take Seth some lunch.  Then, I finally decided it was time to call the nurse navigator.  Now that I could almost think properly, I scheduled my appointment with the breast surgeon for consultaion (March 29th) and then with the oncologist (March 17th.)  After that, I met Robert for a late lunch at Applebee's in Fenton.  I know he is trying really hard to keep me distracted, we even go do a little shopping after lunch.  Came home and watched TV and worked in the craft room for the remainder of the day.  Sleep was almost non-existant that night, but I did get some.

Saturday, March 12th - Day 3

This is the day I started writing this all down.  I have always found writing to be therapeutic, but don't always have the guts to share much with others.  (My proofreading skills are rough!)  I did some laundry, called my mom, and worked in the craft room on cup orders.  Thank goodness for hobbies!  At least I can attempt to keep my mind busy. (It doesn't really work, especially when I decide to sit and write this all down.)

A few things to note at this point.  My girls still do not know.  I really want to tell them in person, but Izzy is in Florida on vacation.  Since no appointments are before next week, I know there is no rush.  But I am very unsure if I am doing the right thing.  We also haven't told any of Robert's side of the family.  I'm in this strange limbo of not knowing and would rather tell most people once I have more details to share.

Most of my thoughts through the day are knowing there is cancer in my body and wanting it out as quickly as possible.  I feel like I want to throw up most of the time (just stress.)  I look at my house and realize how messy it is and worry about people wanting to come visit or help with things throughout this process.  I need to get it all in order now while I feel good.  (Another side note, we are watching Izzy's three ferrets while she is out of town, they are so much fun and very entertaining, but we very much have to childproof the house.  There are stacks and stacks of things on tables and counters because we need to keep them out of certain things.  I'm not complaining, it just adds to the chaos in my head.  Once we can put things back together, all will be good!)

                        

The cutest little visitors!

Sunday, March 13th - Day 4

Josie came to visit this afternoon.  We were finally able to tell her in person.  She took the news as well as she could.  She is like me and tries to bring awkward humor to any stressful situation.  Izzy is coming home Tuesday from her vacation and we will be able to tell her that night.

Monday, March 14th - Day 5 - Had a great lunch with Sandy!  Played in the craftroom and watched TV most of the day.

Tuesday, March 15th - Day 6 - Did some shopping and had lunch with Amber.  Izzy came over to collect her babies and shared lots of stories from her Florida vacation to Universal and Disney.  (I am most jealous about Harry Potter and Star Wars!) She brought me a HP wand (Professor Slughorn) and I love it!  We listened to her animated stories and played with her lightsaber.  Then, we broke the news to her before dinner.  She was emotional, but took the news better than I expected.  I think she is the reason I realized I need to quit worrying about how everyone else will take the news and just worry about myself.  She kept reassuring me that they were all there to support me.  I have been so worried about how this would affect other people that I forget I need to pay attention to how it is affecting me.  I also think this was the first time I actually said the sentence "I have cancer."  Up until this point, I have always just said the biopsy was not good or that "it is cancer."  Maybe it is a dissociation tactic, but now I am much more aware of my words.

Fun new toys.

Wednesday, March 16th - Day 7 - We were able to finish telling all of the family.  Robert made most of the calls to his siblings and they have been able to share with most of their kids.  Tonight, I am just thinking about the oncologist appointment tomorrow.  I really hope to have more information to share.  I'm pretty sure this has been the longest week of my life.  I know there are probably more to come, but I have faith this journey will end with a promising result.

March 17th (today) is my appointment with the oncologist. I will post again after I process everything. 

Two final thoughts: 

    I'm trying to think of a name for this "thing."  

    I'm so blessed knowing my friends and family are right here with me.